Just fuck you
So fucjing much
I moved here for You
And you remember nothing
You remember none of our relationship an it’s bullshit. This is complete bullshit. I hate what people have fucjing done to you but that doesn’t change who you fucking are and what you fucjing do.
Just because people made you messed up doesnt mean you can act this way
Guck you
Theres not a fucking day that goes by that I font think or worry about you
Thinking that I should just give you space
In the nearly 8 months of our semi relationship
5 fucking months I’ve given you space
And it’s given me what
A breakup where I felt both sides?
An ex that doesn’t even remember me as a boyfriend?
An ex that doesn’t remember visiting me in florida or in ny?
The person I moved for.
To help them while they were having bad reactions in a place where they knew nobody.
I hate you so much.
I hate you ao fucking much.
What did I even do to deserve this
And you’re just a constant reminder
Even when you’re not there
Even when you’ve been semi completely gone for the last 5 months I still wake up and just lament in this shit
I hope you’re happy in Arizona. Really I do. You deserve it.
And when one day I run into your life again, I’m going to fucking push you right back down. Fuck you.
I’m starting to like you again.
Hell, I never stopped. Not once.
But you’re far away.
And I can’t handle anything far away again. Idk.
Fuck my life.
I just want to feel a little bit,
just a small bit,
like Im actually going to get out of this city and do something with my life.
Just.
Fuck.
I told my grandpa to go fuck himself because he kicked me out of his house while I was in the middle of helping someone.
He’s burying his brother tomorrow.
I told him to have fun.
Now I just picture his funeral and wow it sucks. Bleh.
I’m struggling with my classes
I’m glad I finished high school
But my sex classes are not going so well.
Is it bad that I still don’t feel bad about what I’ve done.
Even though they were just pictures.
I had a problem with underage pornography.
I’m over it now.
Just leave me alone I’m 18.
I’ll never be able to look back on my senior year like other people because of this. Spending half of my junior year negotiating with lawyers Or half of my senior year going to court dates every other week
Having the police push you around like you did the worst thing in the world.
Being locked in the back of an suv for 4 hours while they searched my house.
Almost being arrested.
Having an attack every time the doorbell rings. My dad had to take it off last January.
I just want this to go away.
I claim I don’t have dreams and I haven’t had one since I was little.
But this shit keeps coming back.
And it’s fucked me up. I cant even lie to someone without having some sort of an attack and telling them. Or hearing the most minimal situation and having to use my inhaler.
I wish I still had my doctor.
At least then I blocked most of it out.
I still have sort of.
I just want this to leave forever.
Every time I drive now I feel like I’m going to fall.
Like my cars just going to go over some ledge and I’ll go.
Wow.
I’ve lost weight. I weigh 108.
108.
I’m 18 years old and I weigh 108.
I used to be 125.
I hate how this fucking anxiety shit makes me not eat. I’m always shaking. I don’t even feel hungry but my stomach growls. But I just don’t feel like eating anything.
I’m going to end up destroying my body.
I had a dream last night where you told me you didn’t miss me. Even though it wasn’t real, I’m upset about it. A lot.
I keep editing this
Even though we would never be anything anymore because I can’t trust you or I don’t feel that way about you anymore. I just miss you. You being there.
I like someone else a whole lot.
But you were like my best friend.
